If you have a young child, you are likely familiar with the power struggle. You make a simple request, and a small person replies with a very big “No!” This resistance can feel personal and frustrating.
But this behaviour is not defiance for its own sake. It is a normal and healthy sign of your child’s developing sense of self. Offering choices is a simple, respectful tool that can transform these standoffs into moments of co-operation.
A toddler’s main job is to figure out who they are. They are discovering that they have their own thoughts, feelings, and will. This is a huge developmental milestone.
When we give a direct command, it can feel like a threat to their newfound independence. Their automatic “No!” is often just them trying to assert their autonomy.
Offering a choice meets this fundamental need for control. It sends a powerful message: “I see you. Your opinion matters. You have some power here.” This simple act of respect can instantly dissolve their resistance.
The art of offering choices is not about letting your child run the house. It is about providing guided autonomy. You still set the boundary, but they get to choose how to operate within it.
The key is to offer two options, both of which are acceptable to you. The outcome is the same, no matter which one they choose. For example, you need your child to get dressed.
You can ask, “Do you want to wear the dinosaur shirt or the stripy shirt?” The outcome is that a shirt is worn. The child feels in control of the how, while you have guided the what.
Choices don’t always have to be about objects. You can get creative and offer choices about the process. This can inject fun and playfulness into a routine.
Instead of, “It’s time to go to the car,” you could ask, “Do you want to hop like a bunny to the car, or stomp like a giant?” The need is to get to the car, but the choice makes it a game.
You can also offer choices about timing or order. “Do you want to brush your teeth before or after we read our story?” This gives them a sense of control over their evening routine.
The tone and spirit in which you offer a choice are crucial. It should be a genuine offer of partnership, not a trick to get them to comply. Children are very perceptive and can sense when they are being manipulated.
Avoid offering a choice that is actually a threat in disguise. For example, “You can either put your toys away, or you can go to your room.” This is not a real choice; it is a punishment with an ultimatum.
A true choice involves two positive or neutral options. The goal is to empower your child and build their decision-making skills, not to coerce them into obedience.
Sometimes, you will offer two great options, and your child will still refuse both. This is a normal test of the boundary. The first step is to acknowledge their feeling.
“You don’t want to wear the red boots or the blue boots. It sounds like you don’t want to wear any boots today.” This shows them you are listening.
Then, you calmly restate the non-negotiable reality. “It’s raining, so our feet need to stay dry. You can choose the boots, or I will choose for you.” You can then count to three to give them a final moment to decide. If they still refuse, choose for them gently and move on.
Offering choices is not about giving up your authority as a parent. It is about being willing to share power in a respectful way. It acknowledges your child’s need for autonomy while still maintaining clear and consistent boundaries.
This simple tool reduces conflict and builds a child’s confidence and decision-making skills. It transforms you from an enforcer into a trusted guide, strengthening the connection between.
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