As parents, we often find ourselves repeating the same phrases we heard in our own childhoods. Words and expressions can become automatic, spoken without much thought, especially when we are tired or stressed.
But some of these common phrases, though well-intentioned, can accidentally create distance, shame, or resistance in our children.
Becoming more mindful of our language is one of the most powerful shifts we can make in our parenting. Choosing our words with care can be the difference between a child who feels defensive and shuts down, and one who feels understood, respected, and ready to learn from our guidance.
Telling an upset, dysregulated child to “calm down” or “stop crying” is one of the most common yet ineffective things we can say. It sends a subtle message that their big, overwhelming feelings are wrong, inconvenient, or even frightening to us. This can make a child feel ashamed of their emotional experience.
From a neurological standpoint, it’s simply an impossible request.
When a child is in the grip of a powerful emotion, the logical, thinking part of their brain is temporarily offline. What they need in that moment is not a command, but co-regulation—our calm, steady presence to help their nervous system feel safe enough to settle.
Acknowledging the feeling is far more effective. Simply saying, “You seem really upset,” or, “It’s okay to be sad,” validates their experience and is the first step toward actual calm.
This classic phrase is the ultimate conversation-stopper.
It’s often used when we are out of time or patience, but it relies on power rather than connection. It teaches children that they should obey authority without question, which can shut down their natural curiosity and critical thinking skills.
When a child understands the reason behind a rule, they are much more likely to co-operate. Providing a simple, age-appropriate explanation shows respect for their intelligence. It doesn’t need to be a long lecture.
A brief explanation like, “We hold hands in the car park to stay safe from the moving cars,” or, “We can’t have another biscuit because it’s almost dinnertime,” helps them understand the world and our role in keeping them safe and healthy.
Questions that begin with “Why did you…” often sound accusatory to a child’s ears, even if that’s not our intent. “Why did you spill your juice?” can immediately put a child on the defensive, making them feel the need to hide the truth or blame someone else. It focuses on the mistake rather than the solution.
Try shifting to a simple, neutral observation. “I see juice on the floor.” This statement separates the action from the child’s character; it’s about what happened, not about who they are.
Then, you can move directly to collaborative problem-solving: “We need a cloth to clean that up.” This approach turns a moment of potential shame into a practical lesson in taking responsibility.
A home filled with constant commands—”Put your coat on,” “Get your shoes,” “Come here now”—can quickly begin to feel like a battlefield. Children, like all people, have a deep need for autonomy. When they feel constantly controlled, their natural response is to resist.
We can honour their need for agency by reframing our commands as invitations or choices. Offering a simple choice can be incredibly empowering: “It’s time to go. Do you want to wear your blue coat or your red one?”
Using playful language also works wonders: “Let’s see who can get their shoes on first!” Stating information respectfully—”The library closes in ten minutes, so it’s time to get ready”—also trusts them to co-operate.
Ultimately, our words are the primary building blocks of our relationship with our children.
When we use language that is respectful, empathetic, and validating, we build a deep well of trust. Our children learn that we are on their side, even when we are setting boundaries or correcting their behaviour.
This foundation of trust is the secret to co-operation.
When a child feels seen, heard, and respected, their natural desire to connect and please comes to the surface. Resistance melts away not because we have forced it to, but because we have created an environment where it is no longer needed.
This isn’t about memorising scripts or striving to be a perfect parent who never says the wrong thing. It is about a fundamental shift in mindset, from trying to control a child’s behaviour to focusing on connecting with the human being in front of us.
Mindful language is a practice, and every word we choose is an opportunity to strengthen our bond.
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