As parents, we want to encourage our children. Our go-to phrase is often a cheerful “Good job!” We say it with the best intentions. We want them to feel proud and motivated.
But this kind of general praise can be less effective than we think. There is a more powerful and specific way to build a child’s confidence. It is called descriptive praise, and it focuses on building their internal motivation.
The phrase “Good job” is a judgment. It is an external evaluation of a child’s work. It teaches children to look to others for approval.
Over time, this can create what some call “praise junkies.” These children may become dependent on external validation. They might feel anxious if praise isn’t offered for every little thing.
This reliance on our approval can make them less likely to trust their own judgment. It subtly tells them that our opinion matters more than their own.
Descriptive praise shifts the focus from the final product to the process. It highlights the effort, choices, and strategies your child used. This helps them appreciate the value of hard work and persistence.
Instead of saying, “You’re so smart for finishing that puzzle,” try describing what you saw. “You tried turning that piece in different directions. You didn’t give up until you found the right spot.”
This kind of feedback builds resilience. It teaches children that their effort is what leads to success. This fosters a growth mindset, where they see challenges as opportunities to learn.
Descriptive praise is also a powerful tool for character development. It allows you to highlight the values you want to encourage. You can connect their specific actions to positive character traits.
For example, instead of a simple “Thanks for helping,” you could say, “You saw that I had my hands full. You opened the door for me. That was very thoughtful and helpful.”
This helps your child build a positive self-image. They begin to see themselves as a person who is kind, thoughtful, or persistent. It makes these abstract values feel concrete and real.
Constant, evaluative praise can sometimes backfire. It can create a subtle pressure for a child to always perform. They may start to feel that our approval is conditional on their success.
This can make them afraid to try new or difficult things. They might avoid challenges if they fear they won’t succeed and earn the usual praise. This can stifle their natural curiosity and willingness to take risks.
Our goal is to encourage our children, not to pressure them. Descriptive praise feels less like a judgment and more like a simple, honest observation.
Ultimately, we want our children to develop their own sense of worth. We want them to be able to recognise their own achievements. Descriptive praise helps guide them toward this internal validation.
You can encourage this by asking open-ended questions. Instead of praising a drawing, you could say, “Tell me about your picture.” This invites them to share what they feel is important about their work.
You can also help them name their own feelings. “You worked on that tower for a long time. You must feel so proud of how tall you made it.” This turns their attention inward to their own sense of accomplishment.
Descriptive praise is like holding up a mirror for our children. It doesn’t judge or evaluate. It simply reflects their strengths, efforts, and positive actions back to them.
This practice helps them build a sturdy and reliable sense of self-worth. It is a confidence that comes from within, not from the constant approval of others.
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