Every parent has moments they are not proud of. They are moments when exhaustion, stress, and frustration boil over. A sharp tone or a raised voice is the result.
In the aftermath, it is easy to feel consumed by guilt. We replay the moment in our minds and wish we had handled it differently. But the most important step isn’t being perfect. It’s what you do after you’ve made a mistake.
Parenting is filled with small disconnects, or ‘ruptures’. These moments of conflict or misunderstanding are unavoidable. The magic is in the ‘repair’—the act of reconnecting after a conflict.
This cycle of rupture and repair is what truly builds a secure and resilient relationship. It teaches your child a profound lesson. They learn that your love is unconditional, even when you are angry. It shows them that relationships can withstand mistakes and emerge even stronger.
After you’ve snapped, you have a powerful teaching opportunity. You can model how to calm down in a healthy way. Take a visible, deep breath. You can even narrate what you are doing.
Say something like, “I was feeling very frustrated, and I yelled. I am going to take a moment to calm my body down.” This shows your child that big feelings can be managed. It teaches them that everyone, even grown-ups, has to work at it.
A sincere apology is simple, direct, and takes full ownership. Get down on your child’s level. Look them in the eye and speak from the heart.
Say, “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I was feeling very angry, but it’s not okay for me to shout like that.” It is crucial to resist the urge to add a “but.” Avoid saying, “…but you weren’t listening,” as this shifts the blame and negates the apology. The focus must remain on your actions.
An apology is the first step. The next is to reconnect. This step is often non-verbal. It is about restoring the feeling of safety and love.
This can be as simple as a warm hug. You could read a story together. Or you might just sit quietly side-by-side for a few minutes. This physical and emotional closeness reassures your child that your bond is secure. It wordlessly tells them, “We are okay.”
When you apologise for your own behaviour, you teach your child a valuable lesson. You show them that grown-ups are human. We have big feelings and we make mistakes too.
This helps them develop empathy. It also shows them that saying sorry is a sign of strength, not weakness. You are modelling how to take responsibility for one’s actions. This is a skill that will serve them for their entire life.
Our children do not need perfect parents. They need real, honest parents who are willing to make things right. A genuine repair after a conflict is one of the most profound ways we can show our love. It reinforces the safety and security of our relationship, which is the greatest gift we can give them.
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